


How to say fuck you politely.

by Soft_dreams



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-16 17:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5833882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soft_dreams/pseuds/Soft_dreams





	1. A self loathing Sundance festival

  
 Dating is a rigged game, it either ends in a breakup or marriage. There's no escaping that fact. What they don't let you in on is that marriage isn't the end of the game, it's just phase two and in phase two you'll either pass or fail. Failing causes the fucked up game to start all over again but with bigger consequences, bigger holes in who you used to be.  
  
 Dirk learned that the hard way, jesus fucking christ on a cracker did he learn that the hard way. How many break ups had he had with jake before this? twelve? maybe even more.. his memory started failing him when he became friends with unsavory pals. Drinking seemed to be the only way to make it through a fight. Dirk had made a long distance relationship work for four years and it all seemed perfect until he actually moved in with Jake. That's when things started... adding up. Late nights at the office, credit card bills, missed calls from unknown callers.... that's really when Dirk started drinking. He did his best to keep it buckled down and controlled but that was a lost cause from the very beginning. A lifetime of bad choices is the name, and drinking to forget it the game! That's what Dirk was doing tonight on his sofa. He cracked open a can of bud light and began the slow descent into self loathing.  
  
 Picture this, the evening you're about to take the love of your life out on your anniversary dinner and you get a call from your boyfriend of four years saying he can make it "late night at the office, sorry love" echos through your head as the line goes dead. You were planning on proposing to him tonight, had the ring and everything.  
  
 You can end the personal scene now, because what dirk did was probably a little too far but that's what happens when you're an inebriated genius. He called Jake again asking about tomorrow, asking him to promise to clear his schedule, but in reality he was keeping that slimy bastard on the line long enough to triangulate his call. Your coordinates don't say your office Jake. The slender blonde stood from his resting place on the sofa, crushing an empty beer can in his hand and tossing it down by the others. He hated beer: water, barley malt, rice, yeast, hops. He could taste ever single one of them and pick out their distinct flavor. The only reason he drank this swill was simply because he could drink a lot before getting shit faced and some nights quantity is better than quality. Dirk grabbed his jacket and headed to the door, but upon opening it he found himself back in his living room, alone. Jake's stuff was gone. Jake was gone. It was like a weird black and white student film, for a brief moment he saw himself on the sofa, a beer in hand, time lapsed. Can after can until he passed out.  
Hmm. So this was a dream? Drunkenly reflecting on a past that still haunts him? Yeah. He's done with that shit.  
  
"Okay, I want to wake up now." Dirk huffed, annoyance lacing his voice. "Yeah, you heard me. Wake up Dirk."  
 As his own name came out of his mouth, his voice twisted. It didn't sound like him anymore and that caused him to snap out of it.  
  
"Dirk, ay yo. Shit head. Your landlord's gunna kill you man."   
  
 Dirk squinted his tired orange eyes up to the voice, it was a familiar one. They slowly adjusted, the voice becoming a shape. The shape gaining detail. The detail confirming that it was his little brother, naturally. How many other people have a free ticket to the depressing one act play that is his life. Dirk's voice was scratchy and low, "Whadda ya mean, Dave?" he paused sitting up and running a hand through his hair. "Shit what's today?" That little brother of his had a toothy grin plastered on his face.  
  
"Tuesday, the 23rd. You're supposed to be packed and out. Betcha don't even have a place to stay yet."  
  
Dirk rubbed the back of his neck and looked around. After Jake left there wasn't much left: some completely ironic novelty dishware with horses on them, matching horse head coffee cups... and few pieces of furniture including his trusty sofa Sir Awful Pain-dragging of sad-a-lot He loved this couch.  
  
"Well... wanna help me move?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
Dirk shrugged "Your place? You have a spare room right?"  
  
Even behind smokey black shades, Dirk could see the disappointment in Dave's eyes. It was a subtle but obvious twitch something anyone could see if they knew what to look for.  
  
"Ah, forget it man, that's your studio and darkroom. Give me a minute to call up Rola, will you go rent a uhaul?"  
  
The words were like a fine silk coming from Dirk's mouth, each word having a clear path. A reason to be said. He pulled out his phone and dialed Roxy's number. Well the first three digits of it.  
  
"Like hell I'm letting you move in with Roxy. She just sobered up, having someone like you around is bad for her. I brought over some boxes so start packing up. I'll be back in an hour or so, I need to clean out that room."  
  
"You don't have to!" Dirk vainly attempted to call out as dave headed to the door, giving the orange eyed older brother a half assed wave.  
  
A polite way to say go fuck yourself, and that's how this all started, what _this_ was... he wasn't sure.


	2. HomeGoods can't make you a better person, no matter how many things you buy.

 It was like water flooding his lungs, pushing its way in and forcing everything else out. He couldn't breath. He couldn't move. All that was left for Dirk was to stand perfectly still in homegoods staring at one mister Jake English holding hands with some girl he'd never met.   
  
 That doesn't mean he's never seen her before. No he's seen her, stalked her, hacked her. Dirk knew more about this girl that even Jake did probably. Her name? Jane crocker, next heir to Crocker Corp and about to run into more money than she'll know what to do with. For someone that's practically stinking rich she lives a pretty average life, goes to a small church on the edge of town, does her grocery shopping at the Mini-mart down the street from her house and takes public transportation. She carries a small light blue can of pepper on her keychain and lives with her dad and grandpa not to mention one fluffy white cat. More interesting is her tumblr though, secret confessions, personal posts. It's the dark side of her facebook and a bit out of character. To give an accurate judgment it's like leaving a wire in a Confessional box, which to be perfectly honest Dirk has done. He likes to know everyone's little secrets, everyone's sins, it makes him feel more human.   
  
 He has to bring up her tumblr because she's put everything on there. Two years ago on Dirk and Jake anniversary "Some guy keeps calling bae during our movie!" one year, six months ago "I can't believe he was seeing some other guy! We talked it out tho. know you'd never leave xoxo" one year ago, "just got a wedding invite, been told not to go but I'm not giving up just yet." 9 months ago, "Just objected @ their wedding, goodness me."   
If there was a God, they wouldn't be too pleased with your actions Jane Crocker. What you did was covet and steal, and that's all you did. To be fair if it wasn't you it would have been some other girl.   
  
 That's when he realized Jake was trying to talk to him, Shit. He faked a smile and entered the world of the mentally stable.   
  
"I was getting a tad worried there mate, you doing quite alright?" Jake's voice felt like leather straps, forcing him back down, making his body ache.  
"Yeah." Nice. One word. It keeps them guessing and keeps him looking like an asshole, he loved that.   
  
"Hmm, right. Well, as I was saying this is my fiancee, Jane crocker."   
  
 Dirk perked up a bit, Fiancee? No.. what? It didn't say that anywhere. Not on a single social media website. nowhere in her emails. There was nothing to suggest that this had taken place. Had they been keeping this a secret? conspiring to ruin everything Dirk had worked so hard at? What if she knew he hacked her? Jesus shit. This is why you don't hack people when you're drunk.   
  
 Dirk's brows furrowed but he quickly looked back up and offered a hand out to Jane.  
  
"Nice to meet you Jane. How long have you been engaged?"   
  
"Just since last week actually, and I know this is rather sudden but, " She leaned forward and whispered, "Jake doesn't want you to go to the wedding, but I don't think it would be fair if you didn't. If you want me to write you an invitation I will."   
  
She smiled, so innocently and so purely. Jane didn't mean any harm but she was part of the problem. "I would love that Jane." Maybe this could be the closure he needed.   
  
"Goodluck you two, I've got to head out."   
  
 Social interaction with both halves of the problem, he needed a drink. He needed someone to talk to. Dirk headed out of the store and out to his white beaten up metal death trap. He wasn't thinking clearly, he was mad. He was beyond mad, he was irate. After awhile of driving he pulled up to a rather large House in the mountain side and headed to the door, ringing the doorbell in an obnoxious overbearing way as if to say 'hurry up'   
  
"Roxy I know you're home. Hurry the fuck up." Another vain attempt. It was depressing, all the little things he did for no damn good reason. He talked to himself more than he talked to real people but spoke loud enough that anyone might assume he actually was talking to someone. Little mannerisms and half assed attempts to seem like a normal functioning human being seemed to consume in his mind, they became as much a part of him as his wardrobe. removable but a clear indication of what kind of person he was.   
  
"Roooooooooooooola." He called out again, luckily for him she answered the door this time.   
  
"Whatcha want dirky? I'm supposed ta be gettin' ready for girls night." Dirk chuckled, girls night? Really?   
  
"Well if you're busy I won't bother you, I just needed some fresh air."   
 There it was again, his lungs feeling heavy as if every uncried tear drained into his chest, collectively deciding to overthrow his emotions and swamp his heart.   
  
"Pshhh nonsense! Ya drove all the way out here, come inside and have a drink. I know you too well Mr. Strudel, 'i needed some fresh air' is code for i could go for a beer."   
  
 This caught him off guard. Shit he prided himself on being hard to read, damn it Rola.   
"I don't like beer." He responded calmly, trying to recollect himself as he walked inside and took a seat on her counter.   
  
"And I don't like broccoli but I still eat my veggies mister, what's on your mind dirky?"   
  
 What's on his mind? shit, what wasn't on his mind. He was stressed but knew there wasn't anything left for him. It's been nine months, he should learn how to bury the hatchet.  "I Just.."  He was debating if he should tell the truth or not. "heard some pretty tough news..." It still wasn't too late to lie, but right as he was opening his mouth the doorbell rang.   
  
 "ooo shitz nipz, She's early! That's just like her. One minute dirky, get ya self a drink."  Roxy was up and out of the room in a blink of an eye, but that's okay now he can formulate the perfect lie and it will seem natural.   
  
 He got up and headed over to the fridge pulling out a can of cream soda.  Dirk rested his chapped and busted knuckles on the cold metal rim of the can as his fingers slowly traced over the tab on top, his leather gloves constricting with every movement.  Off in the distance he could hear roxy talking to someone, the frequency familiar but he didn't stress about it. He would find out soon enough. Dirk cracked open the can and took a sip, reclaiming his throne on the counter as Roxy walked in with... Wow. Never met her before today, but here she was again,  Jane Crocker.    
  
"Dirk this is Janey, we've been besties for like eva. We met in high school and went to college together." Roxy droned on about their long history, but of course Dirk knew that. He knew practically everything about Jane and Roxy. A simple girl and an alcoholic, they've got an interesting past too.   
  
"We actually met earlier today, at homegoods..." He was about to continue when Jane shot him a look, hm.   
  
"Welp, nice to see you again, Jane. As for me I'm about to head out, later Rola." Just like him to remove himself from an awkward situation as fast as possible. He stood up and hugged Roxy, promising to come back soon as he made his way to the door.   
  
 He was beginning to not like small town Jane,  first Jake now Roxy too? Or... well... It was technically the other way around... but still.  
He knew that Jane would be talking about Jake proposing to her, he also knew that he would be getting a call from roxy later tonight but as for right now he was ready to get home and go to sleep, at least he was done moving.   
  
Unfortunately for him, the first thing out of Dave's mouth when he got home was, "Did you get the things I asked you to?" Followed by a long pause "Dude, come on what the fuck. I let you stay here rent free and you can't even pick up fucking bowls? Jesus shit man."   
Dirk let out a tired groan and laid down on the couch, quickly passing out.   
  
"Bro, come on. It's 11:30am don't go to sleep." Dave set down the instructions from the ikea table and headed over to the couch "Bro?" God damn, the son of a fuck was already passed out. Dave took Dirk's shades and shoes off, then pulled a blanket up over him. Must have been a rough shopping trip. 


	3. If it will help

 Dreams, nightmares, both paralyze the victim by keeping them wrapped in a web of illusions. Sometimes those illusions are the past, sneaking up on you. sometimes it's just your own insecurities.   
  
 This was it, this was his big day. Things had been rough for awhile between Dirk and Jake but, it was all behind them now. It was all behind them and Dirk was the happiest he'd ever been. How couldn't he be? He was getting married. He had been getting ready having roxy fuss over him and make sure his hair and makeup was perfect. An even foundation, eyeliner, contour that could kill. He had to look perfect, after all this doesn't happen everyday.   
  
"Ya ready dirky? Take a deep breath." Roxy pulled the veil down over his face and escorted him to the door, the music filled the air with a low rumble, this was it. this was everything he had waited for. He couldn't stop smiling.   
  
 Dirk wasn't sure why he had been so nervous, everything so was perfect so set in stone now. As he walked down the aisle, something made his skin crawl, it was like an icy wind cutting through him. out of the corner of his eye he briefly caught her, a chubby, shy, black haired girl. She looked nervous, like she didn't belong but her blue eyes shimmered, brimming with determination.    
  
 Vows, they were harder to say. The words wouldn't come out like they were tripping over themselves. This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all. Jake seemed... cold.. spacey... like he didn't want to be here... and every second of silence was killing dirk.   
  
**"STOP. DON'T DO THIS JAKE. YOU CAN STILL LEAVE, WHY HAVEN'T YOU."**   
  
 Her voice rang through the quiet air, the room was tense. no. no this wasn't happening. Not again. Dirk wouldn't let it happen again.

"Strider.. what are you doing... ignore her.. "   
  
 It came to that point, Dirk knew he was dreaming again. He knew what really happened that day, but now.. now that he was in control he needed vengeance, he needed closure. "Dirk..." Jakes voice seemed so distant, so fake. " _ **DIRK.**_ "   
  
  
  
fluttering, warmth again. comfort again. He woke up, his head aching. "unng, wha- shit.. what time is it?"   
  
"1:48 dude, You fell off the couch and cracked your head open."   
 Shit, that would explain the dull throbbing.   
  
"You were all up and twitching man, were you having the running dream?" Dave chuckled as he leaned closer, making sure Dirk didn't bleed through his bandages.   
  
"Oh fuck off Dave, I had.. a nightmare."   
  
"Oh? You like, never have nightmares. What was it about."   
  
 The older stayed quiet, brushing hair away from his face and grazing his fingers over the bandages. Something flashed through his head, a brief memory or perhaps something from his dream. He smashed her head in..   
  
"How did I crack my head open falling off the couch? the coffee tables too far away and the fall wouldn't have been enough on it's own..."  
  
"Come on man, don't change the subject."   
  
"I'm serious Dave, and for that matter you picked me up and put me back on the couch right? So you have to know."   
  
"Ugh, alright. Yeah I came in and you were against the coffee table bleeding like a stuck hog. I don't know how it happened and I didn't really think too much on it considering the state you were in. I came in to check on you because I heard a couple loud thumps. Happy? Now do you wanna talk to me about your nightmare or not."   
  
A couple? Falling off the couch should have only been one thump... could it have been self inflicted? When he was bashing on her.. was he actually bashing on himself? Ha. Hahaha. He clutched his head.  
  
"It was the wedding..."   
  
"Shit dirk, you need to see a therapist if you're still fucked up about that man."  
  
"I-...." Dave was right, but a therapist wouldn't do much more. Maybe prescribe him some shit and tell him to stop drinking. make him attend AA meetings. Things he couldn't actually handle doing right now. "Dave don't make me."   
  
"It's getting out of hand bro, you need to do something about it. even if it is just talking to me. I know you, you haven't talked to anyone about it. Not even roxy no matter how much you might have wanted to."   
  
Damn it dave, Stop. Stop being right.   
  
"I mean shit, what do you want to know. Do you want to know about how he's a piece of shit bastard that I trusted my whole life too? How he emotionally shat down my fucking throat? How he's a goddamn fucking asshole that's ruined everything from day one and then practically blamed me for it??"   
 Dirk honestly wasn't expecting any of those words to actually come out of his mouth, but they did and each one was filled with venom. Vocalizing all the fucking pain he'd kept pent up. He never cried about it, he never showed that he was weak.. but now.. sitting alone with Dave, nowhere near anything that reminded him of Jake, He gave in. Dirk pressed his head into his hands and stood up, his socks padding across the floor as he headed to the fridge.   
  
"...I need a drink."   
   
Dave was tense, he didn't know how badly Jake had hurt Dirk, and he didn't know what to do.   
  
"I only have Apple juice man. I can take you to the store... if you want."   
 Apple juice, amazing.   
  
 Dirk got down a glass and poured himself a cup, then got some for Dave too. He didn't need to drink right now, he just wanted to, he didn't need it.   
  
" 'ts fine."   
  
Dirk handed the cup to Dave and sat down, leaning back. He felt the gaping hole in his heart being torn open.  
  
"Wh-...Why don't you tell me about the wedding. I was out of state when it happened.. so. I still feel really bad about it, but maybe it was for the best. If I was there I would have busted some asses."   
  
The wedding. Shit.   
  
"It was-- heh. It was all wonderful, until.. well until it came down to the vows. Jake choked up on the "I'll love you forever and always" part, and that's when I knew he was only agreeing to go through with the wedding in hopes of not hurting me anymore. Heh. Someone in the crowd stood up, telling him to stop before he said another word. telling him it wasn't too late."  
Dirk took a sip of his apple juice and set down his cup.  
  
"Jake left right then and there. He apologized and said that he just wasn't like this, he never loved me the way that I loved him and that he.. needed space... I just stood there, for probably hours, even after most everyone else had left. The reverend offered to take me to the church and pray for Jake to make the right decision but, well there really wasn't any point.. He wasn't coming back. I wasn't moving either." He sighed, it was heavy and soaked in pain.  
  
  "I'm fairly certain that's when John's Dad, James was it? Picked me up and carried me back to my hotel room. He made sure Roxy stayed with me for the next couple of days while things were taken care of. Not only did I have  the worse day of my entire life, but that was by far the biggest failure of a wedding in all of history AND I had to foot the bill. Jake still hasn't paid me back, but I really don't want him to."   
  
There it was again, silence. it was uncomfortable and clinging to his skin. forcing its way down and squirming inside of him. He wanted to rip at his throat to make the choking pain stop, Dirk was bad at this 'sharing' thing.  
  
Dave just, leaned in and hug Dirk, the younger pressing his head against his brother's chest.  He didn't know what to say but just kept hugging them. "I'm fucking sorry man."   
  
"....me too."  He honestly couldn't recall a time that Dave actually hugged him, not even when they were younger. They were adoptive brothers and their foster parents always said it was something that must have carried over from the family he was taken away from. Dave was a whole vault of secrets.. It was.. interesting.   
  
"....wanna go get chinese?"  The red eyed blonde was trying so hard, but Dirk just shook his head, pulling Dave closer. He hugged Dave like his life depended on it, and as he pressed his face into the younger's shoulder.. a few tears began to roll down his cheeks. He never thought he would actually cry about this, not even to himself.   
  
Dave curled up against his older brother, pulling a blanket around the both of them before running his fingers through Dirk's hair.    
  
"It's okay, let it all out man. You can cry..."


	4. The fear of falling apart.

 They stayed like that, for hours, entangled in each other's arms until Dirk cried himself to sleep. Even then Dave didn't move from the couch, he laid Dirk down in his lap and turned the tv on, leaving the volume at fifteen as to not wake the older strider.   
  
 The joy of a smart tv is that you didn't have to pay for cable, just netflix. Dave flipped through the categories until he came to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, he might as well give it a shot seeing as how Dirk's always raving about it. God what had his life come to? Here he was a 5'8, skinny, freckled fuck boy watching My little pony and cuddling his adoptive older brother who just cried himself to sleep. So much had gone down these past few years and it seemed like Dave had missed a good majority of it.He still can't believe he missed the wedding because of his job, you'd think with a job that worked on commissions he would have been able to make it but he was just unlucky enough to get a job that weekend.  
  
 He wasn't sure why he was so mad, there was the normal amount of 'you hurt my bro' but then, even past that... no. No. He just wasn't going to acknowledge it. If you don't acknowledge something then it doesn't exist right? haha. fuck.   
  
 Dave threw his head back, looking up at his ceiling.  "Sorry bro..." he muttered to himself, rubbing his tired ruby eyes.   
 He regretted not being there for Dirk, he regretted not being able to help his brother when they needed it most but most of all he regretted being so distant.  
 Even when they were just boys, Dave kept his distance. He didn't want someone he was supposed to be able to trust hurt him again. The thought of a close knit family scared him to no end, someone that knew his every move, that knew where he was and what he was doing at all times? Even if it was family, it was suffocating. Dave isolating himself effected both of them, when he would lock himself way he was also isolating Dirk from family contact. Family contact and social skills he should have had in order to avoid a relationship like the one he had with Jake.   
  
  Damn it, Dave was just pissing himself off now.   
  
 He wasn't the one responsible for Dirk's decision, but then again Dirk wasn't really the one responsible either. Nothing could have prepared Dirk for that spoiled brats actions, dumping him and getting back together, easing and playing with Dirk's emotions, leaving him just enough to want more. Jake was a sadistic manipulative bastard, even without meaning to. Now look what he's done, even months later Dirk is a shambling mess more than ready to give up on the world. Damn it, damn it all to hell. This was really pissing him off.   
  
 Something like this shouldn't be pissing him off so much, they were both striders, they were both raised under the ideas that family is what you make of it and dave sure as hell didn't even try to make anything of it. He of all people didn't have the right to be so damn pissed off over dumb ass Jake English.... so why was he? Why did he want to call up Jake and give him a piece of his mind? Why did he want to beat the shit out of some smug foreign bastard he's only met a few times? Why did he want to protect Dirk so badly?   
It all made him feel, _weird_. Dave was willing to assume that this is just what caring about someone felt like. It wasn't something he was terribly used to.   
  
 Dave ran his fingers over a scar on his shoulder, closing his eyes as he let out a jagged sigh. Every fiber of his being hurt. He could feel it in the upper most layer of his skin, crawling and tingling like a phantom pain he couldn't shake.   
 Heh.  
   
 Part of him wished Dirk was awake, he could really use some emotional support, but of course he wasn't sure how well that would go over considering over thinking Dirk's situation is what got him in this predicament in the first place. His cold past entrapping him, body and soul. Ripping at his throat begging to be let out.  
  
 Dave stood up, setting Dirk back down carefully and draping a blanket over his legs. Unfortunately neither of the Strider brother's had good coping methods, their method was usually 'Ignore it until you can't and then get fucked up when it comes back to bite you' Dave smirked at the thought, he had let this come back to bite him time and time again yet he still hadn't learned a damn thing. He tapped a carton of cigarettes against the heel of his palm and cracked open the window in the kitchen. He hated smoking, he hated cigarettes but he always found himself crawling back to them.   
  
 He pulled out a small red lighter and lit his menthol cigarette,resting it in his parted lips, a soft crackle with every drag. He huffed out clouds of smoke, doing his best to blow it out the window. The sky was a dull grey, aching the same way Dave was. Holding back, barely keeping together, almost shaking with pain.  
  
 "Shit Dirk, come on man. Wake up..." dave whispered through a billow of smoke.   
  
 His kitchen was quaint, clean counters empty aside from a coffee pot. The sink dripped, at a constant plip, plip, plip. on the window seal was a small Jade tree and an ashtray, his half smoked cigarette still burning in it. Dave pulled himself up onto the counter, and considered making a pot of coffee, anything to get his mind off of things. He decided to leave the window open until it started raining, he still had a few hours and the chilled air of pre-rain was one of his favorite things.    
  
 Dave ran his fingers over the torn denim of his black jeans , tracing over every fringe and tear, still trapped in a numb haze.  His chest hurt. He might have actually admitted to being afraid, that is, if anyone was there to listen. He was afraid to slip up now, after years of perfect upkeep. He couldn't hold it against Dirk though, Dirk had been through alot and Dave didn't want to bother him more. After all, his problems were so trivial, so.. predictable.  He didn't want to bore Dirk with that bullshit nonsense. He picked up the little bit of his cigarette that was still there and relit it, dragging what he could. He wanted to feel that pain for some damn reason, maybe it would help him pull his shit together.   
Dave nervously played his messy blonde hair, each strand falling back into place.     
  
"You're more of a mess than the person you're trying to help, Dave. If anything you're the one that needs help." 


	5. Call for help

  
It hurts.  
The dull throbbing, the sensory overload. It's torture but it's an escape, an inside look at all of his issues. He peeled back the aluminum foil and, with a pair of tweezers separated the tabs of acid. A condescending smiley face looking back up at him, he swallowed that fucker.  
Dirk stood up and turned off the lights, he considered playing music but that would distract him from the real purpose of this. He hates doing this to himself. He hates every moment of it. Normally he's alone, he doesn't have to deal with other people walking in on him, seeing him this fucked over. Somehow Dirk managed to forget that he was staying with Dave, he blocked it out, it wasn't that hard to do after he left for the night.  
Waking up in an empty apartment is what really set it off, he was so damn tired of being alone, of feeling this empty. He needed to close the gap, and this was the only way he could think of doing that, at least Dave stayed with him until he fell asleep.  
  
Now here he was, in a cold sweat panicking and pressed into a corner. The door opened, he was certain of that. The door opened and someone came in.  
Dirk held his breath and closed his eyes, doing everything in his power to calm down as much as he could. The room was spinning, his heart was racing, a scream clawed at his throat. He was tense, no... tense wasn't the word, he was beyond tense and when they came over and put a hand on him he nearly flipped his shit.  
  
"D-Don't touch me!" He cried out, his eyes still firmly shut.  
  
"Shit Dirk, sorry man. I had a gig to DJ. I uh, brought home dinner.. sorry I really should have woken you up first but you were so fuckin peaceful."  
The older strider relaxed at the sound of Dave's voice, opening his eyes. Dirk's pupils were dilated, his breath was heavy and body shaking.  
  
"Are you....?" Dave pause, he paused for a long damn time. Thinking over what he should say and what he actually could say, "Are you fucked up?"  
Dirk stayed quiet looking down, it didn't seem like he was going to budge.  
"Look man, I don't care if you are but you have to tell me. I need to know what I can do for you."  
  
Dirk chuckled and rested his head in his hands, "nothing man. There's nothing."  
  
"There has to be something, why don't you talk to me. Maybe I can help."  
  
He was frantically shaking his head no, he looked like he'd seen a ghost.  
  
"Come on man, you're really kinda freaking me out. Just talk to me before I find out on my own. I work at a club, I've seen some shit."  
Dave was fairly certain he heard Dirk let out a breathy laugh, followed by 'I've covered wars you know.'  
  
"Diiiiiirk. Don't make me webmd your ass."  
  
"O-Okay, okay. Just calm down. It's too loud to focus.I-" He paused, looked down and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm having a bad trip."  
  
"Trip? LSD? What is this the 70's?" Dave actually looked vaguely surprised, he was pretty stoic most of the time so it caught Dirk off guard.  
  
"Dude, no. Dude stop." Orange eyes completely dilated. "Dude."  
  
"What? What. I'm not doing anything."

"You're freaking me out." 

"I'm freaking you out? You're freaking me out. Holy shit."

"DUDE. SERIOUSLY."  
  
Dave had never seen someone trip before, he didn't know what to do. He picked His older brother up and carried him to the bathroom.  
  
"I don't know what you're going through right now but you need to chill man." He took off his shoes, then took Dirk's off as well. He started up the tub, then ran his fingers through Dirk's hair. "You're going to be okay man, I just need you to trust me. You're safe here. You're safe."  
  
Dirk nodded, his eyes constricting, his hands weakly grasping at dave's arm.  
  
"Can you strip down to your boxers for me."  
  
**_no._**  
  
"Do you want me to help you"  
  
**_no._  **  
  
"You'll need to change after anyways, it will be easier if its just your boxers."  
  
"Can I keep my tank top on?"  
  
Dave smiled and patted Dirk's head, "Yeah, that's fine. Can you stay here while I grab you a change of clothes?"  
  
He nodded, at least his breathing evened out. it wasn't long util Dave came back with a large 'Hug Life' kitten t-shirt and a pair of boxers. He stripped down to his Boxers and tank top, then stepped into the tub. "Come in, It's fine."  
  
Dirk stepped into the bathtub the cold water splashing up over him, sending chills through his spine. For him his whole world was still spinning, but he was calm now. He trusted Dave. He trusted Dave with his whole life.  
  
"How about we have a warm shower after this and then you can have some of my sleeping pills. It's not good for you to stay up this late okay?" He nodded, holding onto Dave, pressing his head against the others chest. He gripped onto the other like his life depended on it. They sat there, in each others arms. Dave was more than content doing this every day if that's what Dirk needed. He wanted to be there for his brother, He'd already been absent for so long. Dirk traced his fingers over Dave's shoulder, running the tips over the ridge of his scar.  
  
Dave could see Dirk about to ask, then close his mouth. It's probably for the best, scars usually don't carry good stories and Dirk really didn't need anymore shit right now.  
  
"Are you feeling any better?" Dirk nodded and looked up at the other, they had a 'no shades in the house' rule. It was Dirk's idea to begin with, the only exception being when they had company over which happened very rarely.  
  
Dave snickered, "Your lips are blue. We should warm up." Dave leaned over and drained the tub, he patted Dirk's head, humming ever so slightly then turned on the shower letting warm water come down on them.  
  
"We can talk tomorrow. I just want to make sure you're alright but you really shouldn't do shit like this again, it makes me worry."  
  
"I know I'm sorry."  
  
That was a step in the right direction, Dave ran his fingers through Dirk's wet hair, the locks sticking together only breaking apart at the stoke of His fingers. This was, surprising relaxing. He wished it could be like this more often, even though he knew that would never happen, it was a nice thought.  
  
"Are you ready to go to bed? You've had a pretty rough day." Dirk nodded, and did his best to stand up. "Whoa, careful there." Dave quickly stood up, bracing him. He turned off the water and helped Dirk out , then grabbed the towel and dried the other off.  
  
"Hey, come on and change alright? You can't sleep in those." Dirk did as he was told, and dried himself off the rest of the way.  
  
Dave changed as well then helped Dirk back to his room, he opened his drawer to get his sleep meds and got a cup of water for his brother, "Here you go." He placed the pill into hi s brother's hands, only really noticing then how cold and clammy they were. Dirk's lips were chapped and in this lighting he looked pasty and almost sickly, his hand was shaking. He brought his hand up to his mouth doing his best to take the pill.  
  
"How long is it going to take me to fall asleep?"  
  
"I don't know, hopefully not long. I'm not going to sleep until I know you've fallen asleep."  
  
Dirk curled up against Dave's side, closing his eyes.  
"Will you sing to me?"  
"Sing to you?"  
"Yeah, sing to me."  
"What do you want me to sing?"  
  
Dirk shrugged, the motion shifting through both of them.  
Dave tapped his finger to his chin, thinking long and hard on what to sing. He started off humming, "Do I look lonely? I see the shadows on my face." He could feel Dirk relax against his side, "People have told me I don't look the same." He kept singing, low and melodic. Luckily for him Dirk fell asleep pretty quickly. The power of brendon urie never ceases to amaze him.   
At least he really is more emotionally stable than the person he's trying to help, now he wasn't in a good place but he was at least able to  take care of Dirk. 


	6. if you've got problems, why don't you just solve them?

"Why the fuck did you force yourself into a bad trip? Are you actually that fucking stupid?" He was livid, after holding back for a day and then some he couldn't help it anymore. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? Apparently it's really easy to go into disoriented states where you don't have a sense of reality, and a majority of the time when that happens it ends in death."  
  
"Yeah, okay I know. I fucked up. You don't have to rub it in anymore dude. It's really not helping shit."  
  
"Honestly what did you expect to gain out of this? you're just going to be more depressed."  
  
"Dave, come on. I know. I fucked up. Let's just drop this." Dirk had been rudely awakened by Dave's tantrum, even if he had slept  until one in the afternoon,  waking up to an angry brother isn't fun.  
  
"I'm not going to fucking drop it. Alcohol was one thing, alcohol is predictable.Fucking abusing LSD is  whole different ballpark. You're a fucking stupid bastard, do you have any idea how badly this shit can fuck you up?" He was holding the small aluminum foil package that previously held the LSD.   
  
"Yes, I do know. That's why I took it. That's why I take it. Now would you please just give me a fuckin minute? I'm still recovering."    
Dave rolled his eyes and headed to the living room. He was worried about his brother, he just wished he had a better way to approach the situation. He only really knew how to get mad and that really wasn't helping. Dirk needed help, he needed serious help if he was turning to hallucinogens.  Even narcotics would have been better than this. Dave knew how to deal with narcotics, but he over heard at the club that a lot of the hallucinogens  for sale in this part of town were some bad shit, giving users permanent damage and severe PTSD attacks. Nonetheless he did his best to take his mind off of it while he cleaned, he was just going to get more pissed off if he kept thinking about it.   
  
After a few minutes Dirk came out and got a glass of water, he looked like shit with his hair all messed up and down. The dark circles under his eyes were almost impressive. "Yo, Dave can I have a smoke?"   
Dave smirked and shook his head.   
"What makes you think I smoke?"   
"Perhaps it's the smell of stale cigarettes that's still lingering, it certainly wasn't me that smoked in the kitchen. That shit's bad for the plant homie."   
  
"Plants, and damn. That's really spot on, what are you? some kind of drug dog?"    
  
Dirk chuckled and watered the plants, it was nice to see that their little plant wasn't alone anymore.   
  
"Woof. How's about it wanna meet me on the roof with a smoke and a lighter?"  
  
Before he even got an answer he was heading out, great Dave didn't really have a choice at this point did he? He stood up and followed after his brother. He just wasn't going to bring the LSD thing again unless Dirk wanted to talk about it. That was the only way to keep himself calm. Soon Dave came up next to the older Strider on the rooftop handing him a cigarette, getting one out for himself as well. He held a light out for dirk and waited for the other to lean in before he lit his own. Who knew that one day he'd be smoking with his brother on their roof. It was cold today, cold and overcast, he could even see his own breath. He watched smoke mix with Dirk's breath and his skin grew cold, red nipping at Dirk's nose. The cold was hitting them both.   
  
"I bet you want answers now don't cha?" Dirk said after he exhaled.   
  
"Only if you wanna talk."  
  
"Jake's in town, been in town, probably moving here. Him and his fiancee are uh, well they were at homegoods so they're probably getting a house together."  
  
Dave was going to make some smart ass comment about homegoods but decided to hold it in, now really wasn't the time.  
  
"He uh, shit I don't know I just wanted to try and trip to remember that it used to be like with him. I mean I fucking loved him. He made me feel, so fucking alive. He made me feel fucking important for once in my fucking life." He took a long drag of his cigarette, puffing the smoke out of his nose making him look almost dragon like.  
"Heh, I really fucking trusted him too. Do you know how many times he cheated on me?  How many fucking times he cheated on me and then blamed me for not loving him enough or some fucked up shit like that?  And then when he broke up with me for real he didn't even break up with me he just fucking ran away like a little fucking--" He clenched his fist and let out and angry hollar, he had so much rage inside of himself and it was like a dam breaking, all the rage rushing out at once with no control.   
Dave reached over and took Dirk's hand, rubbing the top of his brother's hand with his thumb.   
  
"It's okay man, say whatever you need to. I'm here to listen."  
  
Dirk tensed up a bit at the touch but relaxed into it, stepping a bit closer to his little brother. "I just wanted to remember what it was like when we... when we both loved each other still. I guess in relationships there really always is one person that loves the other more, god fucking damnit."  
  
Dave thought over what he should say, "I don't really think that's the case, I personally think Jake was just a piece of shit. He might be a decent person but if he cheated on you and then eventually left you for some broad then well. I think that counts as a shitty douche bag that isn't worth your tears. I've never seen you this fucked up man and if he's causing you this much pain, maybe you should move on."  
Damn he really hoped that wasn't overstepping his boundaries, when he felt Dirk squeeze his hand back he was still on the edge hoping that he hadn't fucked up. When Dirk leaned in and hugged him, he was shocked, he honestly didn't know what do. He just took a drag of his cigarette and patted Dirk's back.  
"It means a lot to hear you say that. You're right, I really do just need to say fuck it. You've been doing so much for me and I've just been a huge fucking burden on you."  
  
"Oh my god, Dirk. You're not a burden. I just want to make sure you're alright Sorry that I yelled at you earlier I just work at a club so I hear a lot of shit about drugs."    
  
"Yeah, shit. I know you were just worried that's why I decided I needed to talk to you. I don't want to leave you in the dark, you've got some pretty good advice sometimes." Dirk smiled and flicked the butt of his cigarette off the roof, Dave followed in suit his landing next to Dirk's.   
  
"What do you want for dinner Bro?"  
  
"Rice?"  
  
"Rice isn't a meal dude."  
  
"It can be. Just like uh, make onigiri or some shit maybe some miso too? Some beef too."  
 He was talking with his hands as he rambled back and forth with the other, Dave snickering at Dirk's enthusiasm   
  
"You sound like a damn college student, I'll see what we have. We should have a glass of tattoo like we did for my really bad break up in highschool."  
  
"Shit man, we have to. I don't know if I can have a glass that shit's strong and nasty, maybe a shot."  
  
"Shots are good, I like shots. Do you want to go pick up a bottle while I Make dinner?" Dave asked as he unlocked the front door and headed into the kitchen pinning back his bangs and grabbing the totoro apron Dirk insisted on buying.    
  
"Sound like a plan, I'll be back in a bit okay?"   
  
"Alright, take a twenty from my wallet and get some nice alcohol too. We might as well make a night out of this."   
  
Dirk chuckled as he headed out of the apartment,  he's honestly luck as fuck to have such a fucking great brother. He was probably actually one of the luckiest guys in this part of the country.  Dave continued on making dinner, hopefully Dirk and Himself could have more heart to heart talks like they did today, he really kinda of liked hugging them.  


End file.
